No, not because I'm getting older and I'm scared of the impending gray hairs. But because birthdays are a concrete way of marking the passage of time, and it has been several birthdays now that I said I would make changes. Several birthdays since I first knew I wanted to leave teaching. And now I'm scared, terrified, that I will be forced into "one more year," again.
The thing is, I really have no solid plan. I have a dream. I Hope to start my business in the fall and be working on that while I substitute teach part time to make money. I hope that this also affords me time to work in my garden and spend time in the sun. But What If. Those terrible little words that end the dreams of so many. What If it fails? What If I can't even get it off the ground? What if I can't find a job and I end up working at some fast food job I had when I was in high school? My husband gently replied, "Maybe you need to move slower, take your time setting this thing up. Can you wait one more year?" No. I can't.
That night I had a dream. It involved a car with no floor and a thousand foot drop below me, not having my phone/GPS and not knowing how to get to my destination and to top it off, the car was a stick shift and I couldn't drive it. I struggled along, barely making it. But when I woke up it became clear: If I had a map, it would have been easier, if I had known how to drive the car, it would have been easier still. That's what I need, then: A road map- plan of action, and the knowledge I need to be successful- learn everything I can about starting a business.
I don't want to be paralyzed by fear. I don't want to trick myself into thinking that staying at my job is my only choice. It will be a daily challenge to overcome the obstacle of my own mind.